taking a break.

Hello all

 

so, I know a handful of you people read this… so for all 3 of you you may be disappointed. others could care less.

I think I’m going to take a break from blogging. As transparent as I want to be and as encouraging as what some of the things I write are… I kind of find myself losing my sense of mystery… does that make sense?

so, I’m just gonna not write in this for awhile. Maybe I’ll pick back up on it someday, but for now… I’m done.

after all… we’re only human.

so a lot has happened lately

my beautiful roomie, tiffany, and her wonderful boyfriend (now fiancee), steven, got engaged this weekend! i am so thrilled for them… they are a wonderful couple and they absolutely adore each other. it’s been fun seeing their relationship evolve since august. i love them both and am so excited for our condo to be filled with wedding magazines, lots of chaos, etc. 

also, my grandmother is really sick. really sick. i’m not good with the specifics, and to be honest… after talking to my dad, there really aren’t any specifics except her body is just shutting down. this is the first person in my family that i’ve known, to be this sick and this close to leaving us. SO… if you pray, please pray for my grandmother. and for my dad… because his dad died when he was 11, so losing his mom is going to hurt him even moreso. so if you think about it, just throw up a little prayer for her she’s still fighting really hard.. her heart is still there and she’s a feisty one. that’s keeping her alive!

i feel like i’m being challenged to REST. to take time for quietness. to let the Lord speak to me, reveal stuff to me, or maybe He won’t say anything at all… but just disciplining me to take that time out of my day to reflect, spend with Him, spend alone, spend some time in quiet… so i’ve been trying to do that. some days are easier to work through than others… but after a string of events recently, it was time to slow down and stop bogging down and consuming my life with things that simply do not matter in the long run. this is the beginning of a looooong process of restoration. but i’m fighting hard. i’m at peace. it’s so so so incredibly weird for me. especially with the way things have been the last few months. i’m at peace. i was able to fall asleep soundly and without my mind racing. i feel like myself again. it’s just really different from how things have been. happiness is well on its way!

this semester has been a very eventful one thus far. i’ve been to a mixer (my first one since i’ve been in zeta) with Pi Kappa Phi, went to Pi Kappa Alpha semiformal in dahlonega last weekend (SO SO SO MUCH FUN!), we had Zeta bid night, and tomorrow we have our annual ZTA Crush Party… i have been super into greek life this semester, moreso than usual. i have my position to thank as well as some incredible girls. i’ve gotten a lot closer to my sisters this semester. i can honestly say, there is not one person that i dislike. i am really blessed and privileged to be the new member mom to 10 incredible girls, as well as a sister to 56 other beautiful, incredible women! i know a lot of you probably don’t understand sorority/fraternity life or whatever… but it’s a huge part of my life. and it’s WONDERFUL. so don’t knock it ’til you try it it keeps me busy, but i wouldn’t trade it for anything.

 

i don’t really have much else to write… i’m sure lots of stuff has gone on, but i suck at remembering things. all my days feel like blurs most of the time. school is kicking my butt. i had 2 tests on tuesday and i have 3 next week. so that is just stinky. but, i’ll get through it with a high high stress level just like i do every semester

i’m back to being me. i like me. me is good.

progress.

i’m sitting in my political science class with nothing to do except to actually listen in class… so i figured i’d blog

 

life is a whirlwind of emotions, decisions to be made, and chaos as it usually is. i’m really trying to balance my time a little better. i spread myself very thin to keep myself busy, but that results in me not performing my duties and obligations to the best of my ability because i am too exhausted or too stressed. but i’m not very good at balancing my time. so we’ll see how that works out for me. i spend a lot of time doing sorority things, which i love… which are completely for other people. but i LOVE doing it. i absolutely love it. and school stuff, which is somewhat for me, i guess. which i don’t love. but i forget to make time for friends, dinner/lunch/coffee dates, family time, relaxation, time to breathe… etc. i have to schedule 20-30 minute naps throughout my day just to function. i would love just a day of nothingness. to sleep in, read, write, watch dawson’s creek spend time with Jesus (which i also have not been doing much)… and just have a day with no agenda. oh what a day that will be!

this is something kind of exciting for me. so these last couple years, i’ve kinda pushed my dreams aside of serving somewhere other than where i currently live. i’ve always felt “called” (cliche, but whatever…) to service, as i think we all are in some way or another, but like to actually go somewhere, anywhere, and serve for a summer, a semester, a month, who knows. but i tend to shut those ideas out when i think about the monetary costs, the time i’d have to take off of school, what i’d be leaving behind, etc… but the more and more i attend midtown and live in downtown atl, and i guess just ask the Lord what it is i’m supposed to do… it always comes down to the same thing. serving. but i’m terrified of it. feel like i have nothing to offer or give to them. but it’s because i get so self focused. i can’t look past my own issues and see the bigger picture. to be honest, my heart is a complete wreck right now. i’m an emotional disaster… and i haven’t been able to see past my own pain for awhile now. but, after the message at midtown on sunday, after my grandmother being very close to dying, walking past hundreds of homeless people everyday on the way to class or driving down the street… my problems just seem…. so small. 

so. i just really am trying to figure out what it is i’m supposed to be doing. do i want to graduate a semester late? do i want to travel? do i want to take some different leadership responsibilities? i just can’t sit here any longer and ignore these pulls on my heart. i don’t know when or what i want to do… but i’m just waiting it out. i’m just trying to be open and stop running from what i know that i should be doing. me running from it…. it does nothing for me. only puts me deeper into a rut.

maybe acknowledging and actually being vulnerable to all of this… will stem some kind of progress. progress that i haven’t seen occur in my life for the last year and a half, 2 years or so. i hate that i’m foolish and have pushed back things in my life for so long now. i hate it, i hate it. but i’ve got to change it now. i have NO idea how to do that or what the next step is… but i’m open to it when it comes along.

okay class is soon to be over… i have more i want to write, but i’ll have to do it later. i have a busy rest of the day so typical.

i’m not lost, just less found.

My dearest apologies for being the worst blog keeper EVER. there has been so much craziness…. and even as I write this, there are a million things on my mind that I know I should be doing instead. but, I’m in the mood to write.

I feel like every time I write, I am such a debbie downer,  negative nancy, pessimistic polly, whatever. But honestly, I have been a pretty miserable person for the last couple of months. I’ve been in this funk that I cannot get out of for the life of me. I feel like I just cannot get my life back together… that everything is spiraling out from underneath me and no matter what I do, I cannot regain control or composure. I’m exhausted. I’m stressed. I’m so incredibly hard on myself that I have pretty much torn myself apart these last couple of months. it’s just been a really, really, really, dark time for me. but, on the positive side… I have NOT had to go through it alone. I’m not seeking the Lord like I know I should be. I’m not trusting Him and relying on Him. I’m not asking Him to show me what my identity is. I am not pushing Him away or anything… I’m just really BLAH. but there are these moments where He shows Himself to me even when I don’t want to see it. and the people He’s put around me… friends and family.. sorority… it’s been incredible. I have the best girl friends in the world. I really do. and they have gone through every second of my funk with me. I am forever ever ever ever thankful.

I wish I knew when this was all going to be over.. some days are better than others.. but, right now, I’m not seeing the end point. maybe that’s my issue entirely. 

The other day (yesterday actually), I wrote down on a sheet of paper all of the lies that I’ve believed about myself for the last few months that I felt came from the enemy. and then at the bottom of the paper… I wrote the truths that God says about me (and about all of us)..and they were NOT the same. obviously. so that was very encouraging. my identity is not found in what I think about myself or what others think of me. it is found in Christ. whether or not that is something I live out every day of my life, it still remains true. He is where all of my hope, my identity, my strength is found. NOW. If I could find that hope, that identity, and that strength, I’d be in great shape. I’m well on my way in that direction, but haven’t so much started that journey yet. I’ll try to write and keep updated.

 

lots of love.

i’m a 4.

 

http://www.enneagraminstitute.com/TypeFour.asp

take this. it’s extremely accurate. maybe after reading this, you will know me a bit better

lyrics say it better.

i’m not always good with words… lyrics say it better. so here is a compiled list of all the lyrics applying to my heart right now.

“and i don’t know where to go from here 
in the end, there’s no reason to pretend 
i know you won’t be back again 
i gotta find a way from here.. 
cause it’s not over till it’s over 
every ending’s a new beginning 
one more chance to get it right 
one more chance to get it wrong 
its not over till it’s over 
sometime’s nowhere leads to somewhere 
and it all starts again 
in the end 
and it’s such a scary place to be 
everything is in between 
and i don’t know where to go from here 
in the end i see it’s all up to me 
to figure out where i should be 
im gonna find a way from here”

jason reeves “the end”

 

“you’re inches from my fingertips
i’ve come as close as i can get
i’m reaching but the rest is up to you.
cause i don’t ever wanna miss
being here with you like this
i’m trying but it’s all that i can do.
i’m reaching but the rest is up to you..” 

jason reeves “reaching”

 

“i would never ever let you go,
all this fighting’s really just a show
that we put on behind doors that everyone knows aren’t closed.

but all i know is the way you hold my heart.
but all that shows is the way we fall apart.
in this world i hate, you are the one i love.
they’ll say what they’ll say, but they’ll never say enough.
i’ll sing it more than once, you are the one i love.
after all of the things we’ve said and done… you are the one i love.”

jon mclaughlin “you are the one i love”

 

 

“Can you tell me how we got in this situation
I can’t seem to get you off my mind
All these ups and downs
They trip up our good intentions
Nobody said this was easy, right?

After all, we’re only human
Always fighting what we’re feeling
Hurting, instead of healing
After all, we’re only human
Is there any other reason why we
Stay instead of leaving, after all? 

I’m smart enough to know that life goes by
And it leaves a trail of broken bones behind
If you feel I’m letting go, just give me time
I’ll come running to your side.”

jon mclaughlin “human”

 

“Still waters, heavy hearts
Plans we make all fall apart
Disillusioned and lost in the gray
How can we fix the heart when it breaks
Don’t know how much more you can take
Just give it time, It’s gonna get better
Now is not forever at all, Just give it time
Everything changes, Tomorrow comes today will be gone
Everything’s gunna be alright
Just give it time, Give it time

Quiet landslide when nobody knows
Regretted decisionsthat nobody chose
Under water and sinking fast
No way out no way to get back
What might have been is lost in the past

When the world you’re in is still again
And it all fades out
You’ve reached the end, begin again now”

jon mclaughlin “give it time”

 

“Child
What will you live to do?
What have I left for you?
What will we leave behind?

You
Learning as you’re growing
Not yet knowing
The world isn’t always quite as beautiful
As it is now”

brooke fraser, “seeds”

 

“If to distant lands I scatter
If I sail to farthest seas
Would you find and firm and gather ’til I only dwell in Thee?
If I flee from greenest pastures
Would you leave to look for me?
Forfeit glory to come after
‘Til I only dwell in Thee”

brooke fraser “hymn”

 

alright that’s it. i’m not explaining any of it. it’s just how my heart is right now.

MERRY CHRISTMAS (a day late) i actually GOT christmas this year. acknowledged the significance. it was different and interesting. and really really awesome. i am so grateful for the birth of our Savior on this day. i spent the day with my family, laughing and eating a lot but really thankful. it was different. not about presents.

i probably won’t update ’til 2009. so happy new year!

fearless

“FEARLESS is not the absence of fear. It’s not being completely unafraid. To me, FEARLESS is having fears. FEARLESS is having doubts. Lots of them. To me, FEARLESS is living in spite of those things that scare you to death. FEARLESS is falling madly in love again, even though you’ve been hurt before. FEARLESS is walking into your freshman year of high school at fifteen. FEARLESS is getting back up and fighting for what you want over and over again… even though every time you’ve tried before, you’ve lost. It’s FEARLESS to have faith that someday things will change. FEARLESS is having the courage to say goodbye to someone who only hurts you, even if you can’t breathe without them. I think it’s FEARLESS to fall for your best friend, even though he’s in love with someone else. And when someone apologizes to you enough times for things they’ll never stop doing, I think it’s FEARLESS to stop believing them. It’s FEARLESS to say “you’re NOT sorry”, and walk away. I think loving someone despite what people think is FEARLESS. I think allowing yourself to cry on the bathroom floor is FEARLESS. Letting go is FEARLESS. Then, moving on and being alright… that’s FEARLESS too. But no matter what love throws at you, you have to believe in it. You have to believe in love stories and prince charmings and happily ever after. That’s why I write these songs. Because I think love is FEARLESS.”
-Taylor Swift

 

i knew there was a reason i loved her as girly as i am being by posting that, i don’t care. i love that! you preach it taylorgirl!

it’s been awhile

it’s been a really long time since i’ve written! i didn’t realize it’d been so long.

 

well, let’s see. school is finished for the semester.. which means i only have 3 semesters left of college and then i am FINISHED. praise Him! so, i’ve spent my break going to Christmas parties, working, nannying, spending time with friends, and planning spring bid day for ZTA. i thought i was going to get to relax a little more than what i have thus far and will continue to, but that’s ok, there are things to be done! and i am hopeful about my grades. i found out i received the pell grant for school, so as long as i can get HOPE back, my college and rent will all be completely paid for. cool huh?

my heart. where is it lately? well it is all over the place. as usual, always searching, always self aware, never content, exhausting itself, broken, etc. brokenness is a wonderful place to be in because of the vulnerability that comes along with it, BUT, i have become complacent in just being broken and hurting. my mentor, courtney, gave me this analogy. we laughed about it at the time, but it’s really relevant if you think about it. she gave me the example of gilligan’s island… every episode, they tried to find a way off the island. there was never an episode where they were like, “hey let’s just stay here.” and that’s kind of what seasons of brokenness are like. should i sit here and just wallow in my hurt and my pain or do i do something about it? well i should be doing something about it… the last couple weeks have been the hardest that i’ve tried to get out of my pit. and it’s been INCREDIBLE. the Lord has placed some wonderful women in my life to uplift, encourage, mentor, and guide me along in my healing process. so i’ve made a lot of progress. of course, 2 steps forward and 1 step back… always. ha, but i’m improving.

i also realize that i do too much. i overcommit myself and am involved in too many things. resulting in my exhaustion and frustration and never really spending time w/ the Lord. and then of course, when i do get some free time, i want to nap or read or something, not spend time with Him. so next semester, i have a lot of leadership responsibilities but i am also stepping down from some things. my fuel tank is just really low and i need to be filled to be able to overflow into others. 

also. i’m just an idiot. haha, i make ridiculous decisions all the time… but i am learning wisdom and discernment. i’m learning when to say sorry and when to stand up for myself. i am learning how to love and how to forgive. i’m learning to love despite flaws. i’m learning to love those that are hard to love, as well as those that may seem easy to love. but all this comes first from accepting love from Him, and that’s hard for me to do… to accept a free gift. so i know there is room for improvement in all of these things.

alas, my heart’s broken, but we have officially started the healing process, FINALLY. for the first time in like 5 years. i have women in my life, older women, who are fighting for my heart alongside with me and it’s INCREDIBLE. it’s just a matter of me letting go and letting God do exactly what He wants to do in my life. kinda scary and i don’t know how ready i am for that, but i’m going headstrong. 

my goal is to be intentional. with time, who it’s spent with, what i spend it on, etc. it seems to be working out very well for me and for others. i’m guarding my heart. hooray! 

i’m still a disaster, but i’m dwelling on the good, not the bad.

lovies!

in this world that i hate, you are the one i love.

i love that song by jon mclaughlin. his new album is INCREDIBLE. buy it and check it out!

so it’s been almost 2 weeks or so since i have written… i haven’t much felt like writing lately. i’ve been busy as usual and just to be honest, haven’t really felt like sharing what’s been going on in my heart. it’s been a lot more personal stuff lately. and i have just been a ridiculous mess. BUT, i have somewhat regained what is left of me and am trying to pick up the pieces. i’ve always been blessed with an incredible group of friends.. well, groups of friends, i should say. since i have friends at 3 different schools. but somehow they are all intertwined. i love it. so they have been encouraging me like crazy. i am so thankful for my friends, my family, my support system… 

so we had semi formal last night. and it was in simplest terms… a blast. i had the best date! his name is allan glass, and he was the nicest guy and seriously, i’ve had several dates to parties, and he was by far the best that i’ve taken. we had such a good time.. and last night was the first night we’ve ever hung out. we met once before and talked a couple of times, but i am so excited to have a new friend at georgia state. he was seriously an incredible date. i could’ve talked to him all night. such easy conversation. and everyone looked so beautiful and so handsome! and i had the best time with my girls, as well as my date. all in all, it was the best zeta party that i’ve been to. so that was wonderful!

this school semester is almost to an end and i am SO thankful. i was taking minimum hours, but only taking classes 2 days a week, is crappy… because those 2 days are completely gone and devoted to class. so i am pumped for my schedule next semester! ALSO… i am the new 2nd vice president for ZTA! it’s called “new member educator”…so basically i am the new zeta mommy for when all the new zeta babies come in for the spring and fall. they will meet w/ me once a week from bid day til initiation… i’ll educate them about zeta and if they need anything and everything… i’m the girl they call. i plan bid day and a lot of other stuff. so it is a big job, but i am so so so so excited for it. yay!

so i don’t wanna get into anything too deep today… i’m trying to sort out my heart and my mind and my thoughts. so i don’t want to write anything i’m not sure that i’m feeling. but just pray for peace in my heart, if you pray and you read this. i’d love that

 

hope everyone has a beautiful Thanksgiving!

my love hasn’t grown cold.

so… i pulled out the ol’ bethany dillon stuff and sure enough, the Lord loves to surprise me and make me feel loved when i don’t feel it nor deserve it.

You shake your head
What is so hard to believe?
When you are in your bed
I sing over you the sweetest things
Because oh, my love, it does not tire
I’m awake when the moon is full
And I know the times when you feel lost
And you just aren’t sure

Lo and behold
My love hasn’t grown cold
For you

You could steal away in the middle of the night
And hide in the light of day
While you cloak yourself in the darkest lies
But oh, my love, it swims in the deepest oceans of fear
And as soon as you lower your head
I am here

If only you could see how heaven stills when you speak
I know all your days
And I have wrapped you in mystery
And oh, my love for you is as wide as the galaxies
Just hold out your hand and close your eyes
And come be with me

 

thanks, Jesus.