so this season is slowing down… when i say this season, i mean this season of my life that i’ve been in for awhile now. i feel as though it’s ending and i am about to start a new one. could be wrong, but things are quickly changing around me, and it feels like something is about to happen. i’m constantly aware of how vast the world around me is… and sometimes i just feel so lost in it. it seems like everyone has their life together (i know this is not true) and i am always scrambling to keep mine in some kind of organized chaos. i’m stressing about graduating college next year with the economy being the way that it is… and deciding what the wise step will be: 1. grad school or 2. attempting to find a job. it’s all quite exhausting to think about. also trying to think about where i’d like to live after graduation is something that’s been on my mind a lot too.
i don’t want to grow up. i spent a majority of my adolescence being the responsible one… the mom, the DD, the go-to girl if things were messy… and for the last year or so, i’ve still been somewhat responsible, but instead of growing up, i’ve kind of stayed the same. does that make sense? the world got bigger, people started growing up, i kind of fought the whole growing up thing, and kind of remained unchanged. which is no good. i enjoy being 20 and i’m in this phase of going out and having a good time and dancing and bars. and it’s all fun… but is it wise? i’m just trying to figure it out. 21st birthday is coming up and that will be an entirely different ball game. there’s going to be some self control that’s going to have to be learned. so i’m just frustrated with trying to be an adult and trying to still be young and somewhat responsible all at the same time. it’s time to grow up a little bit.
one thing i feel like i HAVE actually been understanding a little better, is the Lord’s love for people. my heart breaks for lost people, for broken people, for people who can’t seem to get their lives together… my heart just yearns for them. and maybe it’s because i’ve been all 3 of those people at some point in my life. but i feel like He’s instilled some sort of strength in me to be able to relate and hurt and love on people lately. which clearly we are supposed to love people ANYWAY, but i am just kind of overwhelmed with the compassion that i feel placed in my life lately. those who know me well know that i’ve really struggled with compassion due to an extremely calloused heart throughout high school and a good bit of college. i feel like i see people the way Jesus sees them and want to make them feel the way He would if He were standing right next to them and hanging out. a lot of times, i am TERRIBLE at this. i mean, terrible. but it’s very hard for me to dislike anyone, even when i try reallllllly hard. i just love people.
so as the Lord takes away, He also provides in return. as certain constants in my life are starting to fade away, i’m constantly overwhelmed with the friends that i have and their never-ending support for me. i know i am constantly crying, ranting, trying to figure things out… and they don’t grow tired, annoyed, angry, upset or anything with me. they have continued to love on me, listen, encourage, support, give advice, whatever i need. i have the best friends in the world. i really and truly do. whenever i leave after being with them, i feel edified, encouraged, loved, well respected, adored, you name it. i feel it. and that’s the way it should be. my precious friend, allie, has been my saving grace these last few months. i’ve probably driven her crazy with everything that’s been going on, but she has never lost patience with me and she has always stood by me. always cried WITH me. prayed with me. hurt when i was hurting, sort of thing. she’s for sure been my rock this entire time. love me some allie d.
alright, i’ve gotta get ready for the day…. turning in a paper and going to be spending the rest of the day in the library doing another!
love,
mal
