progress.

i’m sitting in my political science class with nothing to do except to actually listen in class… so i figured i’d blog

 

life is a whirlwind of emotions, decisions to be made, and chaos as it usually is. i’m really trying to balance my time a little better. i spread myself very thin to keep myself busy, but that results in me not performing my duties and obligations to the best of my ability because i am too exhausted or too stressed. but i’m not very good at balancing my time. so we’ll see how that works out for me. i spend a lot of time doing sorority things, which i love… which are completely for other people. but i LOVE doing it. i absolutely love it. and school stuff, which is somewhat for me, i guess. which i don’t love. but i forget to make time for friends, dinner/lunch/coffee dates, family time, relaxation, time to breathe… etc. i have to schedule 20-30 minute naps throughout my day just to function. i would love just a day of nothingness. to sleep in, read, write, watch dawson’s creek spend time with Jesus (which i also have not been doing much)… and just have a day with no agenda. oh what a day that will be!

this is something kind of exciting for me. so these last couple years, i’ve kinda pushed my dreams aside of serving somewhere other than where i currently live. i’ve always felt “called” (cliche, but whatever…) to service, as i think we all are in some way or another, but like to actually go somewhere, anywhere, and serve for a summer, a semester, a month, who knows. but i tend to shut those ideas out when i think about the monetary costs, the time i’d have to take off of school, what i’d be leaving behind, etc… but the more and more i attend midtown and live in downtown atl, and i guess just ask the Lord what it is i’m supposed to do… it always comes down to the same thing. serving. but i’m terrified of it. feel like i have nothing to offer or give to them. but it’s because i get so self focused. i can’t look past my own issues and see the bigger picture. to be honest, my heart is a complete wreck right now. i’m an emotional disaster… and i haven’t been able to see past my own pain for awhile now. but, after the message at midtown on sunday, after my grandmother being very close to dying, walking past hundreds of homeless people everyday on the way to class or driving down the street… my problems just seem…. so small. 

so. i just really am trying to figure out what it is i’m supposed to be doing. do i want to graduate a semester late? do i want to travel? do i want to take some different leadership responsibilities? i just can’t sit here any longer and ignore these pulls on my heart. i don’t know when or what i want to do… but i’m just waiting it out. i’m just trying to be open and stop running from what i know that i should be doing. me running from it…. it does nothing for me. only puts me deeper into a rut.

maybe acknowledging and actually being vulnerable to all of this… will stem some kind of progress. progress that i haven’t seen occur in my life for the last year and a half, 2 years or so. i hate that i’m foolish and have pushed back things in my life for so long now. i hate it, i hate it. but i’ve got to change it now. i have NO idea how to do that or what the next step is… but i’m open to it when it comes along.

okay class is soon to be over… i have more i want to write, but i’ll have to do it later. i have a busy rest of the day so typical.